several people lately have been asking my why i insist on fighting through all of this. why i still go about intentionally seeking conflict in certain situations. why i desire to keep at it even if the way i approach things makes other angry or uneasy or upset...
i have come to realize that my answer is simple: ‘cause i would rather feel the pain involved in all of this messy business than disconnect completely and feel nothing at all. this realization came while on a run today. i’ve realized that my going for runs have become a way of feeling. especially when things get rough, i can go for a run and feel something. often times it is quite painful, especially since i’m not in the best of shape and it’s freakin’ hot here all the time now. but i also feel more in tune with my body and create a whole new way of connectedness. to feel something instead of nothing at all. i shall call this my “manifesto as to why i would make a bad buddhist”...
this also leads me to revelation number two as of late: i have become convinced that peacemaking involves more conflict than war. counterintuitive? (that depends on your intuition). war is simply saying, “i don’t think you have anything good to offer, so instead of trying to hear you out and understand you, i will simply shut-down all means of working through our differences and try to wipe you out of the picture” (simplistic, i know). peacemaking says, “let us try our hardest to make room for everyone to have a place in this existence and continue to work through each and every issue (a.k.a. more conflict) until we can reach a point where we can trust, love and respect each other. suddenly the foundation for so much more has been laid, but alas, that foundation comes on the other side of openness to conflict and not the disconnect of war...
i have no way to unite these two yet or much more depth for processing this, just some thoughts tumbling around upstairs. all i can say at this point is that there is definitely quite a bit or risk involved in both feeling and peacemaking...
i have come to realize that my answer is simple: ‘cause i would rather feel the pain involved in all of this messy business than disconnect completely and feel nothing at all. this realization came while on a run today. i’ve realized that my going for runs have become a way of feeling. especially when things get rough, i can go for a run and feel something. often times it is quite painful, especially since i’m not in the best of shape and it’s freakin’ hot here all the time now. but i also feel more in tune with my body and create a whole new way of connectedness. to feel something instead of nothing at all. i shall call this my “manifesto as to why i would make a bad buddhist”...
this also leads me to revelation number two as of late: i have become convinced that peacemaking involves more conflict than war. counterintuitive? (that depends on your intuition). war is simply saying, “i don’t think you have anything good to offer, so instead of trying to hear you out and understand you, i will simply shut-down all means of working through our differences and try to wipe you out of the picture” (simplistic, i know). peacemaking says, “let us try our hardest to make room for everyone to have a place in this existence and continue to work through each and every issue (a.k.a. more conflict) until we can reach a point where we can trust, love and respect each other. suddenly the foundation for so much more has been laid, but alas, that foundation comes on the other side of openness to conflict and not the disconnect of war...
i have no way to unite these two yet or much more depth for processing this, just some thoughts tumbling around upstairs. all i can say at this point is that there is definitely quite a bit or risk involved in both feeling and peacemaking...
mm hmm
ReplyDelete(not sure exactly how to spell the affirmative grunt i was thinking of, but that will do)